TRIGGER WARNING: This post talks about my suicide attempt. Please do not proceed if you are feeling suicidal.
When I was 17 years old, I was prepared to end my life.
I deleted all my files from my computer. I played my favorite song. I tied the rope to the ceiling of my dads garage.
I was standing on the chair, ready to do it. There was no one around to stop me, I was fully prepared.
And right when I was about to do it, my dads friend pulled into the driveway.
He just happened to enter the garage the second he got out of his truck.
He stopped me.
It was just a huge fluke, an incredibly tiny event, that just happened to save my life. Because of that, I’m still here, writing this eight years later.
I wish dearly I could write about some sort of life altering realization that made me decide to save my life, but that didn’t happen.
The only reason I’m here is because a stranger just happened to find me.
I thought about seriously attempt like this again, but many things kept me from doing it:
- Major depression. I was too tired to prepare my suicide, too tired to tie a rope. It just felt like way too much effort.
- My partner at the time. I loved my partner so much, I didn’t want to hurt him by killing myself.
- My medication. I already had dissociation, but on my medication, my dissociation was increased tenfold. I was so numb to the world that I was able to cope.
So what I did was attempt impulsively after this, through drug many overdoses.
I always wished I could’ve have died back then. I never stopped wishing it, until a series of events in my life happened, which I will describe below.
Through these five events, I can honestly say I’m happy I didn’t die that day.
My last drug overdose, approximately 4 years ago, fucked up my sense of reality for the rest of my life.
This drug overdose ended up with me in the hospital with hallucinations. I did not have psychosis, my sense of reality was intact. I was able to fully discern what I was hallucinating from what was real.
I hallucinated many things, but what I recall the most was tiny black bugs. These little bugs were in clusters on my blankets. When I poked a cluster of bugs, they would scatter, and then return to the cluster. They also made a soft buzzing sound.
I could feel the cluster of bugs when I poked them. I could hear them. I could see them, just as vividly as I could my own reality. The only thing not making them real was my knowledge that they were not real, and the fact that no one else could see them.
It was a long night in the hospital, because I couldn’t close my eyes without hallucinating someone yelling at me. I was a lot more calm keeping my eyes open, with the lights on.
It was my first insight into the true nature of reality. I realized that the only thing making the bugs not real was the fact that no one else could see them. That was the only way for me to determine if my reality was real was if it was everyone else saw too.
I realized that reality was just a collective hallucination. I realized that if everyone had my exact same brain chemistry as I had when I saw the bugs, then the bugs would be considered real. This realization was truly haunting.
One drug is all it takes to see reality in a different way.
The experience was enough to stop me from overdosing. Instead, whenever I felt suicidal, I just walked to the ER.
But I still wished dearly that my life would’ve ended that day.
The next major event in my life was when my long term partner left me. While I won’t go into detail on how, but let’s just say he left me in a way you would never do to someone you love. It was sudden, it happened out of nowhere, and it was the most painful event of my life. I believe it will always be the most painful event.
This event tied right in with the hallucinations, because it shattered my sense of reality.
I believed my partner loved me, so when he left so suddenly, it made me realize I was living according to my own beliefs. And my own beliefs are not reality. I was stuck in the illusion that I was loved, when I really wasn’t at all.
Not only did I realize I was stuck in an illusion, I realized I had lived for my partner. I lived for someone who didn’t love me. I attached my life outside of myself. So when he left, it truly felt like I lost everything.
And for the first time, I experienced true nothingness. I had absolutely nothing. I cried, I hollered loud like an animal. But there was no one to answer my cries.
I hospitalized myself, because I didn’t trust myself not to commit suicide. I have a huge memory of lying in the hospital bed. I was reading a line in a book that said “What if this moment was the best moment of your life?”
And I looked around my room in the hospital room, wondering how this could possibly be the best moment of my life.
Then I felt the world moving around me. I realized that even though I was lying there, suffering, the world was moving around me. I realized that if I didn’t exist, it would continue to move around me. I listened to the movements intently.
Then everything became still. I experienced a complete stillness. In that moment, my mind was completely quiet, and it felt like I jumped outside of my mind.
I felt like I had died, without dying.
And it’s not like how you would expect; it’s beautiful, it’s joyful. It’s the most peaceful feeling I’ve ever had, and it’s full of love.
It was only a fleeting moment, but it was definitely not one I forget. It wasn’t long until my mind got cluttered again, except it was more cluttered than it had been before. Now, I was living through all the stages of grief.
I still wished I would’ve died that day in my dads garage. In fact, even though I experienced what the universe was like outside of my consciousness for a fleeting moment, I deeply wished that I would’ve taken my life while I was still in that illusion of my partner loving me.
One tragedy is all it takes to see reality in a different way.
Before my partner left me, I believed love was real. After this event, I didn’t think love was real. I questioned everything, and I had no idea what to believe. I barely trusted my own mind now, and I certainly didn’t trust it now.
I no longer cared to live, so I stepped outside of my comfort zone. I had major social anxiety, but I talked to people. I didn’t want to travel, but I traveled anyway. I spoke my mind, and just started doing things without caring at all.
Just as much as I was plagued with the innate desire to die, I was plagued with a huge question. So far, my experiences on this planet have taught me that NOTHING is worth believing in. Everything was just one huge illusion.
So I wondered intensely, just what is reality?
This one happened to me during a night shift at work. I was crouched into a chair at 3am, my legs resting on the table. I was eating chips, and I was reading some psychology article, and it referred to the double split experiment.
It was something I never heard of in my life.
I learned what the double split experiment was, but I didn’t believe it. So I dove into some physics books after that, to gain a deeper knowledge.
Just one piece of knowledge is all it takes to see reality in a completely different way.
In very general terms, it is a experiment that scientifically proves that the state of reality depends on how we measure it.
It proves that quantum particles are in more than one state at once, and they change states according to how we measure them.
I realized that my brain was just a measuring system.
I remember staring intently at a tree, realizing that it only looked like that because I perceived it to look like that. Suddenly, my hallucinations made sense to me. Then I thought about the tree being in multiple states, it just collapsed into one depending on how my brain looks at it.
This led me to conclude that everything was real, and not real at once. It brought me to the realization that I can choose my reality and that will make it real. I realized that if my reality was completely different from someone else, both are still valid.
Like a particle is both a light and a wave, reality is both real and not real.
This is when I finally trusted myself and my own intuition. I was finally able to believe in my reality. I was able to believe in love again.
It gave me peace knowing that while my past partner didn’t actually love me, I believed he did, and that belief gave me profound happiness. I no longer regretted my time with him.
I decided that if my reality changed according to how I measured it, I decided to fully appreciate every single moment.
All it takes is one decision to see reality in a completely different way.
This event is more like a sequence of events, which could take me an entire novel to describe. However, I can also summarize it into one sentence: I learned to meditate.
I decided to go to a local meditation center. I didn’t expect anything from meditation, I just went to try it out.
The life lessons I found here were profound. My only instruction was to meditate. There was no other instruction given here, yet it was the place where I finally found happiness.
I couldn’t believe that happiness was inside me all along.
That stillness I found that day in the hospital? I discovered it again. And the more I mediated, the more I was able to access that stillness.
I felt energy I never felt before. I felt the energy flow through me which can be labeled as God. It was just the energy of all things.
I noticed I could be happy anywhere, at anytime. Happiness was just one thought away.
All it takes is one thought to see reality in a completely different way.
While for the first time I wanted to live, I was still struggling with my old thought processes of wanting to die.
Ever so slowly, my thoughts were being pruned. I was awakening.
While I was able to experience happiness, I was still experiencing profound sadness. While I still suffered from depression, I could see a light brighter than ever before.
I discovered I had blocks in my brain, and I could finally see them when I meditated. One of these blocks was the medication I was taking for the past 8 years. I got off the pills, prepared to do whatever it takes to function off them.
I trusted in my insight, I trusted in the healing energy I felt, I trusted that even off my medication, I would still be able to function.
I would not recommend getting off your medication until you’ve sensed the energy, the energy of Oneness, the Being, the Universe ….if you have no idea what this energy feels like, you are not ready to stop taking medication.
It took a long time to adjust to the world off medication, but I did it.
Now I can actually feel my reality. I’m here, I am right here. I can experience profound joy, profound beauty.
Now I’m finally happy my life was saved. It all makes sense now.
Before I fit the criteria for BPD, major depression, PTSD, depersonalization disorder, and social anxiety disorder…now I no longer do.
I’ve healed, and in return, I’ve been given the power to heal others.
I can honestly say I am glad I did not choose to end my life then.
I have awakened.
And when you are awake, every day is a new day to say hello to your life.