Last night, I felt my soul trying to escape out of me.
Except it wasn’t quite my soul, it was just my concept of me.
I realized that I truly do not know anything, and it’s useless trying to discern my reality using my mind itself. I am but a network of neurons, all functioning together, in one particular manner, and when it loses functionality in that particular manner, panic arises inside my chest.
I now understand what it feels like before you die. You lose grip of your entire body. It will shake in response, as your brain tries to regain control. You’re overwhelmed with intense fear, as your ego loses control of the body.
I know logically, I have nothing to fear. Because even if I lose awareness, my very basic drives in my brain stem will continue to run, unconsciously.
The entirety of my brain, especially my prefrontal cortex, loses its survival organization, and that’s what causes the fear response. This survival organization is called the ego.
It’s terrifying, to observe your consciousness slip away from you. It’s a feeling you can’t quite conceptualize or explain until it’s actually happening. And it’s not near as terrifying to think about, as it is to actually be in it.
I’ve realized I have a really solid ego. My brain organization is incredibly solid, it’s glued together and doesn’t want to be pulled apart. My neurons are living in harmony. This makes me appreciate my ego, because its what has been keeping me alive all these years. It’s what keeps me from killing myself, because my neurons truly do not want to lose their formation. They want to stay as they are. It’s such a tight formation, that it’s causing me deep fear to take Ayachausca.
But I want to do this. I know I want to do this. Even if I’m terrified during the loss of ego, the effects afterwards are always worth it.
Another thing I noticed is that my ego has a dark side. It’s heavy with thoughts that don’t even matter. It analyzes the same information, over and over again. This is what causes my every day fatigue. My brain is on overdrive, trying to figure out its reality.
The joke is that it can’t. It can’t possibly figure out it’s reality. My consciousness is merely a strong network of neurons, it’s so strong that there’s no way it can see outside of itself.
Yet another thing is the absolute truth of this statement. I am just a fragile, totally biological existence. I am a mere cellular network. I have an internal map of how this network is supposed to work. And I will panic if this network malfunctions. And my body will do whatever it takes to reboot the network and return to homeostasis.
I’m hoping to achieve true ego death and come back. I have yet to experience what happens after your ego dies. All this time, I’ve only experienced ego malfunctions, then my ego turned back on. I have yet to experience the full thing.
I have yet to truly let go of myself.
I feel as if myself is already one that has let go of everything, but that is just my ego talking.
Every thing I conceive of is my ego- this cellular network in my head. If I think I’ve let go, I haven’t let go.
I must fully abandon the idea that I can understand reality. I must fully abandon the idea that I can cognitively determine what reality is. All this searching for answers inside my head, are just thoughts, going around in a circle. I am inside a limited, biological body, of which there is no “I am.”
And that is okay.