Today, my mind was jumbled to pieces. I was engrossed by darkness, a darkness so huge that it wanted me to commit suicide, right then and there. A darkness that told me I had to isolate myself away from all my friends and family, a darkness that told me I was unworthy of being alive. I was overtaken with frustrated emptiness, a physical heaviness in my body. I was suffocating from loneliness.
It is not a new darkness at all, it is one I felt all my life. The darkness told me that I could never escape it, that it would follow me everywhere I went. That it would always penetrate through my skin, no matter what I did. It told me I was aging, that there is no point in continuing, that I’ve done all I can with my life here.
My heart was racing, as if it was aware that darkness had entered my mind. I felt terrified of myself. It wasn’t just my heart that was terrified- but it was also my brain itself. Thoughts circled in my mind, trying to find a way around the darkness. It was clinging to logical statements, i.e, “Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.”. It also clung to life changes I could make that would help, i.e, moving out of my house. It searched and searched for whatever thoughts it could, to fight the darkness.
I’ve already discovered that the neurons in my brain don’t want to die. On the verge of actual death, I can feel each cell in my brain do whatever it takes to call out to the cells in my body, in a desperate attempt to revive itself. And now, I’ve discovered, that even when my brain is telling me to die, it’s still trying to keep me alive.
A huge question I have is…is this darkness actually my brain? The more I learn about my brain cells, I constantly question if that darkness is actually me, as in, my ego construct. If they are actually thoughts constructed by my brain cells themselves.
The logical conclusion is that its old brain patterns. I grew up coping with stress by indulging in suicidal idealization. So it’s easy to say that its my old thought processes are acting out in some sort of dark dance. But the more I observe this dark dance, the more I realize, the entirety of my mind and body are actually actively fighting against it. And that fight is the reason why I’m still here today.
I can’t help but to believe I’m picking up some signal in the atmosphere, some sort of energy, that is not my brain. I can’t help but to think the darkness is actually outside of me, rather than in me, like insects biting my skin.
This thought goes against everything I believe.
I’m all about pointing fingers at myself for everything I do. I’m all about self growth and self realization, I’m all about taking responsibility for myself.
So to consider that a darkness could originate from outside of my consciousness is crazy. But if I get stung by a wasp, and my skin swells up, what good is it going to do to think my skin swelled up on its own?
When my skin swells up, its trying to protect me from a poison that entered me from the outside. What if the heaviness in my body, my heart racing, the deep depression and need for isolation, my brain racing in circles trying to figure out solutions…what if my entire body is trying to protect me?
What if the darkness is like a wasp, and it tries to sting me, tries to take me over, and my body is fighting it? Is it really that crazy of an idea? Could there be some sort of energy in the air…and I’m easily infected by it, while others are not?
The only problem is I have no way to prove that there is a darkness outside of me. At least, for now. If I keep doing energy work, and observing it, maybe I can figure out what it is. Since I frequently plummet into pits of darkness, I am my best test subject to studying what exactly it is.
It’s silly, that many people are born here with the ability to do so much. I often wish I could do more for others than what I do. I want to help society and extent a helping hand. I also want to save the environment. I want to leave goodness behind. But instead, I’ve been fighting darkness, all my life. And it’s all internal darkness, so no one can see it. It’s so embedded in me, it’s all I can write about. I can’t do anything useful, but fight my darkness.
I say fight, but I no longer fight it like how I used it. I no longer label it like how I used to. I just let it be. I keep letting it take me over, to show it that I’m not afraid. There is room for the darkness inside of me. What I’m fighting is the urge to block out the light too.
I am an open door, and I will always be open. So darkness can come in though the front door, but it will quickly find its way out the back door. There is no shelter here.
There is something I read that stuck out to me- it was written by a Peruvian shaman. Apparently, there is darkness in this world. I can try not labeling energies all I want, but darkness still exists. If it really exists, outside my ego, outside what I label as darkness, then I definitely know it.
I want to make my mind and body a home for the light. But I’m conflicted on whether there is a light and a darkness at all, if I need to even think in these black and white terms. If you break through the duality, you’ll realize that darkness is light, light is darkness, there is no separation between the two. This thought makes the most sense to me. What doesn’t make sense is even when I’m aware of this, I still feel darkness.
The only time I truly can’t feel darkness, is when I’m not aware of anything at all…or I’m too aware…a deep meditative state that transcends duality.
I ended up doing a yoga practice, and it was by far my hardest one yet. I could barely lift my arms, my body felt so heavy. At the end, I felt a moment where my mind was clear. And I was able to feel the light again. The answer was there all along.
The answer is live, not think. The answer is a clarity of mind. The answer is that there are no answers, just live. Just breathe. The universe will work itself out. What is meant to happen will happen, so I can just lay back and live.
Interestingly enough, when your mind is clear- and the seconds before you die- you feel the light. As if attachment to thoughts can create darkness: as if attachments give a free tickets to the darkness. Only in a meditative, clean slate of mind, will you realize that all your thoughts fundamentally don’t matter. And not at all in a depressing way- in the lightest, joyful way possible. And there is no more darkness.
There is peace, so much peace.
I may never understand why this is. Perhaps its because my ego protects itself against dark energy, but when I surpass my ego, there is no longer any protection. The darkness finally penetrates me, but so does every other energy imaginable. And somehow, I’m lifted toward the brightest light.
I’ve got about 2.5 weeks before I take Ayachausca. The darkness does not want me to take it. In fact, its going to do everything it possibly can to stray me away from it. Excuses keep happening in my brain, “It’s too much money”, “You’re too sick to take it”, “It’s unsafe and you’re going to die.”, “It’s going to show you horrible things”, “You’re not ready.”. But when my mind is at its clearest, I can hear the plant calling me. I can understand that no matter what happens, I will be okay, and I am ready, and that this is my destiny, and I must not be afraid.