Fighting against the darkness alone

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, that I felt empty, alone, and scared.

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, that I lost control of my speech, and I said things that I didn’t quite mean.

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, that I had brain fog, and I got dizzy.

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, I took too much medication.

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, that I admitted myself to the hospital.

Today, I was so overwhelmed with darkness, that I was ready to hang myself once I was discharged from the hospital.

It was around 5pm, I had the rope in my hand, and I looked up at the sky. It was so dark, and I was surprised that the sky would be dark so early.

Just like that, lightening struck a mile away from me.

The thunder knocked out all the power in the city.

A sudden downpour, and all the roads in the city were flooded in what seemed like an instant. It was so oddly beautiful, that it joggled my mind out of the darkness.

I remembered that I was Earth itself. So the fact that Earth can ascend into darkness so quickly, meant that I could too.

I was near a coffee shop. I ran through its doors to cover myself from the rain, and was given a free coffee. The free coffee was  delicious, and it brought some clarity in me.

The store was then evacuated since they could not get the backup generator to work. The staff were so friendly and nice, and there was a lot of people inside that store with me. For the first time all day, I felt a little less alone.

Now, I still feel as if my brain is foggy. It’s still trying to process being consumed by darkness so suddenly. It’s still trying to process why I’m still here.

The entire day, I was in tears, begging the universe to give me a person that would come hug me. I was praying someone would come see me in the hospital, and show me they cared with a hug. No such person came, and I haven’t received a hug.

I’m still here, I’m still here.  I don’t know why, nor do I know for how much longer, because I realized today that I am lonely, in the sense I don’t have anyone to hug me when the darkness overwhelms me, and I don’t think anyone would care about my darkness, until I pass away.

I just hope I can find a light once again.

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4 thoughts

  1. I was in such a dark place last week. It did pass. I think that you being able to recognise you are there is a big thing, and you will learn more about how you react when you can observe it, at least that is what I am learning and seeing. This resonated with me.

    Liked by 1 person

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