Today, one of my friends went skydiving. I found myself happy for him, because he got to experience one of my life dreams. I also found myself yearning, because I’m fighting for my life today.
I wish him all the happiness today, as I close my eyes and think about what the air would feel like, as it rushes past you, and you fall into the sky.
I’d imagine it would be a phenomenal experience, one that would make me cry tears of joy. I would honestly be so happy, I feel like all my darkness would melt away.
On days like today, I’m thankful for the power of imagination.
I’ve got nine days before I take Ayahuasca. I’m feeling very suicidal. I feel more darkness than I have in awhile. They say the plant begins working with you the moment you agree to take it, and I wonder if that’s what could be happening to me.
Before I leave, I’m trying to spend as much time as I can with my loved ones. Because if the plant medicine doesn’t help me, I don’t know what I will do.
This is my last fight.
I’ve tried everything: Western medicine, therapy, yoga, meditation, I’ve basically done it all to work with my darkness. And nothing has quite worked.
So this is the one hope I’ve got left.
I’m just hanging on a string, barely here. The darkness has made a home in me, and right now, I have nothing to fight it.
I’m vulnerable and wounded, and my fate is in the hands of God now, if God even exists.