I posted some depressing blog posts before this one.
I decided I will keep them on here, as a record of how bad my darkness can become.
Now, I feel more stable. I’ve had time to meditate, I’ve had time to breathe, I’ve had time to rediscover my center. And I’m quite shocked by how bad I was just a few days before.
In fact, I hospitalized myself. I almost killed myself leaving the hospital, but I was saved by a lightening strike. I’m still shook up on how that even happened. It feels like some far away dream now.
But that is what Borderline Personality Disorder is. One day, everything is okay, and the next, you’ve plummeted into total darkness. It’s just I haven’t experienced this deep darkness in a long time, because I thought I was finally healed.
Ayahuasca is here to slap in me in the face and tell me I still got healing to do.
A lot of people have reported plummeting into darkness before they first dedicated themselves to drinking Ayahuasca, and that is what is happening to me.
I desperately want to move away from the label “Borderline Personality Disorder”. I’ve been trying to move away from it for a long time, because I was under the impression that this label was keeping me away from reaching a full healing. I was under the impression that I was normal now, that the emotions I felt now were normal.
It’s not quite normal to feel so suicidal one day that you have to hospitalize yourself for fear of your own safety. No matter how much my head wants to tell myself I’m healed, that is not the action of a fully healed person. I did that a few days ago, and as much as I want to push that memory away, I need to embrace it.
I need to find ways to embrace my darkness, without identifying with it. I need to find a way to be happy with my diagnosis, without identifying to it to the point it controls me.
I guess what I really need to do, is tell people I have Borderline Personality Disorder, without all the fear I have surrounding it. If I really was not attached to the label, then I would be able to identify as it, without being so scared.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Even typing that gives me chills.
I dream about being a spiritual teacher in the future. Can I be a spiritual teacher AND have Borderline Personality Disorder? Is that possible?
The thought is scary. But I’m sure it’s possible. Because having a mental condition is no different than having a physical condition. Surely if I had diabetes, I could still be a spiritual teacher. Surely if I was missing a leg, surely I could be a spiritual teacher.
I can be a spiritual teacher and still have Borderline Personality Disorder.
The two don’t mix at all in my mind. But I’m going to have to somehow make them mix. I receive spiritual messages on the daily. I am closely connected to the teachings of Buddhism and Taoism. I meditate for a living. I am in fact a spiritual person, and I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I think that is okay.
Today, I embark on a journey.
My intention by taking Ayahuasca is not to heal myself from Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not sure anymore I can be fully healed, but I know for sure I can still live a happy life. Since right now, I AM living a happy life.
I have an amazing partner, lovely family and friends. A roof over my head. Delicious food. Coffee. A flexible job. A volunteer position at my local yoga studio.
When I return, I’ve been offered a coordinator position at my local Buddhist temple. I’ve also changed my major in university to something more suited to my interests: a major in Physics, with Business and Spanish on the side.
I suffered from a lot of deep inner hatred for the fact I’m starting a Bachelors degree at 25 years old: but now I know now what I’m truly interested in.
Not only that, I will be able to make lots of friends and lots of connections, something I wasn’t able to do the last time I went. Plus, I still look young. I had people ask me if I was still in high school the other day!
Working my way up to taking the higher level quantum physics courses is my goal.
If our brains are a TV, psychology studies what channels are on the TV, and neuroscience is the study of the physical parts of the TV, and quantum physics is the study of the TV signal that exists as vibrations in the air.
For this reason, I believe quantum physics is the true scientific study of consciousness. Which is why I’m so interested in learning it. And I hope Ayahuasca will help give me more insight into this. Therefore my intention is to change my brain chemistry in order to pick up more signals, thereby expanding my consciousness.
Whatever brain configuration picks up Borderline Personality Disorder, I obviously have it, and it may never disappear. But I hope I will be able to see even more beyond this brain configuration I have, which will better equip me with ways to manage it.
I wish to have a greater understanding of reality. I wish to gain even more spiritual insight that I can use to help others. I will keep meditating ,to the point I can stay in this beautiful moment for longer periods
I’ve been meditating for a long time, and I still get so caught up in the future projections of my mind, and in the past projections. I know the key is to keep bringing myself back to the moment. Everything I need is right here, in this moment. I will keep practicing this, for as long as I live.
I know there is no end to a spiritual journey- your entire life is the journey. I’m hoping that Ayahuasca will open me up to what the rest of my life will bring me.
I hope to gain valuable insights, that will guide me for the rest of my life.
I’m about to shower now and jump on a taxi to the airport. I’ll be writing my entire experience down in a notebook, then I will type it all out on this blog when I return.
I am also going to record my experience. I will post these to Youtube and link to them here. It puts me in a vulnerable position, making all my darkness public and for anybody to comment on, but I’m ready to do this. I feel strong enough to do this.
See you in two weeks.